Apparently, ’tis the season to be jolly.
Not, however, if you have an ounce of good taste.
For the festive season has become a time when food manufacturers and retailers inflict on us some of the most ill-conceived products imaginable.
My heart sinks at the cynical commercialism that visits us with such horrors.
Here are my three choices for the worst of the worst.
Co-Op Christmas Sparking Prosecco Bubbles
Undoubtedly the most unpleasant thing that I’ve placed in my mouth since mistakenly taking a glug from a beer can into which someone has urinated.
The texture is like polystyrene, they have a faint smell of feet that has been bathed in rancid cheddar cheese and a horrid sharpness.
Then a wave of nauseating greasiness coats your mouth.
These are so bad that my glutton of a hound Kurt decided to play football with a Prosecco Bubble rather than attempt to eat it – and he’s a creature who’s been known to eat fox shit.
Perhaps Kurt is right – fox poo could be better. Not that I plan to undertake any kind of taste test.
Aldi’s Luxury Sloe Gin Mince Tarts
Gin is good. Sloe gin is very good. Mince pies and tarts are one of the greatest achievements of humankind.
Keep these things apart, you misguided morons!
The combination is as incongruous as Donald Trump having an intelligent thought.
They’re so overwhelmingly sweet that it’s hard to detect any flavour of mincemeat.
There’s an odd medicinal flavour that put me in mind of a child’s cherry-based cough remedy rather than sloe gin.
Christmas Deserves Lurpak
First an admission – this doesn’t taste unpleasant.
It tastes like Lurpak. And it is. Nothing more, nothing less.
But the manufacturers have dressed up the packaging (slightly) with the C-word and little white dots that I suspect are meant to resemble snow but which might just as easily be snot from Rudolph’s ruddy nose.
This has earned its place on my Festive List Of Shame simply because it’s nonsense and thoroughly exploitative.
I fear any day now that we’ll get Yuletide lavatory rolls, festive bleach and Christmassy corn plasters.
Meanwhile, happy shopping, all.
Yo ho buggering ho.